~MoO MoO~

Saturday, June 11, 2005

been wanting to blog for really really long, but God knows why, i never got down to doing it. Anyway, the recent 2 weeks have been really bad for me. I got back to the crying n whining to my friends on msn thing again. Don't ask me if it's pms. I have no idea... I wish i knew too.
I'm starting to feel fragile again. It seems like any teeny weeny thing can break me and make me cry. When i see my msn, i get reminded of the fact that LT can see me online and then i start wondering why he dun wanna talk to me and then, the whole bloody vicious cycle begins once again. I think of him... how he used to b really really nice then turned into a monster who made me cry almost every night... how i eventually msg-ed him to ask him to f*** off and how i placed him on my "block" list and removed him and added him again and removed him again because i was simply too soft hearted.
I feel weak... and i absolutely hate that. I hate the fact that i am so emotionally dependent on my friends. I hate the fact that they hafta listen to me whine. I hate the fact that every sad song on the radio and my laptop makes me wanna cry. I hate myself for being incapable of loving. I hate the fact that every single time someone reminds me of him, i juz pack and run... I hate knowing that i will never be able to trust anyone the way i trusted him and i also hate knowing that he didn't really care about me. Sighz.. so many things that i hate... Anything i love? I'm afraid not.. i'm incapable of loving anymore remember?
I never told cass what exactly happened between LT n I... In fact, i think only hx and sharon knew. Anyway, i filled her in that day at Harry's then she asked: " 那你不就是哭的要死?" I wonder how i actually answered that. Yeap, me cried a lot. Even until today, i wonder how i was able to go thru all that pain... I wonder what my friends thought abt me... Did i appear useless? weak? whiny? I wonder if he ever knew he caused me so much pain and so many buckets of tears... if he knows that until today, i still miss him... i still wanna msg him and whine when i have had a bad day at work...what would happen den?
Does he also know that until today, i still cry because of him? That when he msg-es me now, i feel a sharp pain and then just pretends as if nuttin happened? that if he was to msg to say that he's sorry i might actually forgive him? Sighz... it's not as if there have been no other guys who can replace him. He was not exactly a very good guy to begin with. But den, how do u expect me to trust anyone anymore? How do u expect me to know if that guy is going to be like another LT? nice at first then a jerk eventually...
Sighz.. can someone just give me the ultimate ability to read a guy's mind? Then i won't hafta guess anymore... Then i won't hafta worry about getting hurt... Then i won't hafta cry anymore

YYY